To me, marriage equals commitment, and the people doing the marrying define for themselves what that commitment entails. Not all marriages–and not all marriage ceremonies–are alike. On the social and cultural side, there were other things to consider. But it made sense to us to take advantage of the system where we could. (Including but not limited to: health insurance, tax breaks, inheritance laws, and the ease of owning joint property.) Choosing to claim privilege like this, eyes open, is emotionally complicated. Society certainly rewards conventional coupling in a lot of ways, and we felt that we needed to access those rewards for the benefit of our future offspring. It also seemed like, if we were pursuing an unconventional lifestyle, it might be important to offer our prospective kid(s) whatever security and financial and social advantages we could get to counterbalance that. My partner and I were planning to co-parent, and he was hoping to support me financially (which included wanting me on his health insurance). I made the choice to legally marry mainly for practical reasons. Let’s look first at marriage itself and its appeal, legal and social/cultural.

So why, then, did we ever get married? Isn’t monogamy the point of marriage? And how does choosing a legal marriage for this particular relationship affect how my other relationships might grow and develop? And though my husband feels that his energy is currently best directed towards one romantic relationship, one parenting relationship, and one very energy-intensive career right now, he identifies as poly too. Most people who know me, know that I identify as polyamorous–open to having more than one emotionally intimate loving relationship at a time. But while our marriage is conventional in a lot of ways, there is one thing about it that is glaringly different–our non-monogamy. I’m about to celebrate my tenth wedding anniversary, and I couldn’t be happier–with my husband, with my choices, with this partnership and how we have both been able to thrive within it. But for clarity and (some) anonymity, I have chosen to use ‘husband’ rather a lot in this essay, even though it’s a bit of a loaded term and not entirely in line with my egalitarian values. Author’s note: In most contexts, I prefer to use terms like ‘nesting partner’, ‘live-in partner’, ‘long-term partner’, or rather than husband.

Non monogamous marriage is healthy